I'm going to delete this
by Eraol
Summary: Trowa describing his usual day, or maybe days...
1. Chapter 1

**I'm going to delete this

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**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gundam Wing. They belong to Sotsu Agency&Bandai, lucky them...sniffffff...Yet, I made Trowa speak, HAHA:O

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I can't believe I'm doing this... All right, I'm not the most eloquent guy living, I know. But sometimes, just sometimes, I fell like talking. To myself, of course. There are ways to do that. Like, you can think of yourself as another person and talk in third person, or just talk in first person- that sounds funny though. 

My life never seemed to have some deeper meaning. People think I'm so mysterious cause no one knows my real name and origin but that can cut both ways. I don't know who I am, not that I really care. Catherine cares.

Did you ever listen to a song for a whole night? Pressed ''repeat'' and just let one song play? After some time you start noticing the background notes you haven't noticed before. That deeper melody completely separated from what you're supposed to hear.

Yesterday I went over to Heero and Duo's place. It reminded me of those old catastrophe movies, black and white. Heero's books categorized in alphabetical order and on the same shelf, Duo's comic opened to the page he was on. Pristine doors to Heero's room and a sock on Duo's doorknob. I wonder how they manage? I went there to tell them about some party Relena invited me to, adding she couldn't reach Heero and hoping I would invite him if I saw him. Duo jumped on me as soon as I walked in screaming how he hasn't seen me in ages, Heero nodding from couch. ''Planet of Apes'' on TV. I guess it's Duo's movie night since Heero's giving me that suicidal-homicidal-look. It was strange Relena told me she couldn't reach them, since they claimed they already knew about the whole thing. I knew then, Trowa, you've just been dragged into a love game. Last thing I need right now...

I went to a shop to get myself some orange juice the other day and noticed some girl following me through those soup rows. I ignored it hoping she'll just get lost but...She approached me right by the freezer and while the smell of frozen meat chilled my nostrils she went on and on how she knew who I was the minute she saw me, how she adores Heavyarms (as if she has ever seen it, except on TV) blah blah blah. I tend to unplug myself during a boring conversation. I have a fan girl-that was obvious even to me. Oh boy...

On my way back from shop, I dropped by Quatre's to borrow a suit (it's not my favourite clothing). His butler looked at me as if I was an empty chips bag and let me in after quite a long time, just because he knew me. And I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have if Quatre didn't tell him he'd fire him if he didn't let his friends in. ''Huge'' gets quite another definition once you've entered Quatre's mansion.

He was making a maquette of some new building but was happy to see me. He would've said that even if Treize Kushrenada walked in. First, I had to listen to whole speech about the ''need of possessing a suit'' before he took me to his wardrobe. Did I say wardrobe, well, I meant a whole new house full of clothes! The only problem was that I'm much taller so each suit I tried made me look like a hungry painter who stole some clothes from his evil rich tiny brother. I thanked him and headed to Wufei's.

A) Laconic

B) Ascetic

C) Spartan

D) all above

I think I'd go for D in Wufei's case. Think of the house with daggers, swords, katanas etc instead of paintings and it's not a sadomasochistic bordello, ta da! Wufei's place! When I asked him for a suit, he suggested I wore one of his traditional Chinese uniforms since I don't know where I originated from anyways. I said I couldn't be Chinese since my hair is brown and my eyes are green. He got insulted and threw me out. Way to go Trowa...

And now, nothing left but shopping. I hate shopping. I went into a first shop called ''Sir Andrew'', name made me actually laugh (and I never laugh) so I decide to give it a shot. Old guy's name was, you guess, Andrew and he started measuring me as soon as I entered. Andrew suggested I started eating more meat and vegetables. I've tried each thing he had in that shop, not wilfully. He waited until HE was satisfied with my appearance before letting me buy. Thankfully, he allowed me to buy a black suit and a cravat and reminded me he knew a really good hairdresser. I decided to ignore that sentence.

Back at my room, I could finally just lie on my bed and stare into the wall letting Enigma play ''I love you, I'll kill you''. It's so funny how you get used to your routine and complain you hate it, but once it's broken you miss it. Some people are never bored. I wonder how they manage it? That's the one emotion you can't express by some visible gag like crying or laughing. It's a safe hideout once you get over emotional. But, maybe it's not boredom? Maybe it's some kind of life philosophy? I'll have to ask Wufei...If he ever speaks to me again.

I don't know what happened to me to get into this ''writing thing'' in the first place. Duo made me do it. It's not really like me to express myself by conversing to strangers. Now, I'm going to have to stop doing this before I loose my identity. I'm Trowa, for crying out loud! I don't talk too much! I don't write confessions! I know what to do...I'll delete this thing right now.

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I wrote this fic completely aware of Trowa's unwillingness to speak so I had to limit my natural ''eloquence'', ;O. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter II**

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You promise you won't tell anyone I'm writing this thing again? Cause if you do... Ok, ok, I'll cut with that ''I'm going to kill you'' stuff. It's Heero's sentence, anyways. Why I'm writing again even though I wanted to delete the previous one? I don't know. Maybe writing is my forbidden fruit which tempts me each time I pass by my computer.

I really think I need a pet. Maybe a fish. They don't talk too much. People keep rambling about how ''friendly'' and ''cute'' pets are, mainly thinking of fury pets like cats and dogs or talkative parrots. I like fishes. They mind their own bussiness just wandering in their limited living space, waiting to be fed.

I went to that party the other day. I definitely won't use that sentence ''It was nice/great/synonyms...''. It's so frustrating how we've lost a freedom to say what we think afraid to be considered weird. I think I'll say that the place was crowded and I don't like crowded places, ergo- I wish I could have stayed at home.

Home. Mental note:'' Limit the usage of that word.''

Duo was all over the place. I think he managed to break the speed of sound while chasing girls. Heero spent the night hiding from Relena. I swear, I thought I was watching National Geographic special edition: a rodent being chased by a cheetah. Maybe that was the moment I decided to get myself a pet. That guy will jump from a building , no problem, but put him in the same room with Relena and he transfers into a Tutankhamen's mummy. Quatre was talking to everyone for the whole evening. Man, can he talk or what! By the end of the night, he had three new charity donors. And three new charity donor's wifes drooling all over him. Wufei was still insulted, but I bought him a drink and now he speaks to me again. Like Noin pointed out ''Lucky you, Trowa.'' with an obvious dose of sarcasm in her voice.

You wouldn't belive where I ended up. Talking to Zechs. Yep, Zechs Merqouise aka Milliardo Peacecraft. Guy seemed to hate parties even more down than I do. It's strange conversing to your former enemy, even if it's about stupid usual stuff like sports. A soccer fan, that Zechs. To me, he always looked like a golf or chess fan. Can't explain why. We just sat in the corner getting drunk. This was maybe a fifth time in my life I got really drunk. That feeling of nothingness in your head...Nice while it lasts but one heck of a headache in the morning. You'll understand why my memories of the rest of the night are rather vague.

Have you ever tried putting cream on a banana? Neither have I. Duo says it's tasty. But who'd trust to a guy who puts chips into Coke before eating it. Come to think about it, Wufei eats everything that walks except people. I'm not going to risk my neck and tell him that. Next time he offers me a bug, I'll grit my teeth and eat. Even if it kills me.

I've read a book. Poe's short stories. One of them made me give up on that ''getting a pet'' idea. About a creepy black kitten. Dark story, indeed. When I read a story that's dark, I tend to catch up the mood and become unbearable for the rest of the day. Catheryine says she'll put me in lion's cage and forget to feed them. Can't blame her.

I spent the whole morning practising until my muscles clenched. Completely lost touch with reality and gazed into that speed counter without actually seeing it. It all became a blur until some guy slapped me on the back saying ''Dude, you're gonna break the machine!'' Heero once told me it had happened to him too. Gundam syndrome perhaps...

So, I passed through park on my way back (I won't say ''home''). Saw Hilde there. She was apparently on a date but kept convincing me it was a ''lunch with friend''. She's head over feet in Duo. Tries to get him off her mind by dating some loosers. He does the same. Reminds me of that song ''People are strange, when you're a stranger...'' by The Doors.

I don't know what to say anymore. I guess two pages were more than enought to put my feelings down on a paper. It felt good doing it, but now I somehow feel naked. It's much easier putting a mask and acting the role you want. Clowns are so damn lucky! Either happy or sad, no layers. Black or white...

I think I'll go play solitaire now.Like ''solitude''. One person. All by yourself. No partner, no lover, no family, no responsability. You and your own mistakes. I think ''solitude'' sounds much better than ''loneliness''. ''Loneliness'' is so...empty. Like vacuum. ''Solitude'' is more like a willful act. It's not empty, you're in it. Only you.

And remember, if you tell anyone...ANYONE I wrote this...I'm going to take you to Quatre's wardrobe and leave you inside. They'll be shooting ''Robinson Crusoe'' once again starring you. Now, am I understood?

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Well, here's another chappie... Hope I'm staying faithful to Trowa's way of thinking. Big thanks to Lady DoyoureallythinkI'malady for reviewing. And big apology to Quatre (he's actually one of my favourite characters:) for making him look like Paris Hilton with wardrobe and stuff:O 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter III.

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I've read Duo's story, or maybe Duo's ''POV on daily events'' as he called it. He decided not to write anymore since ''he's got better shit to do''. And I liked his stuff. Well, whatever. Strange affinity for departing from things. It's as if he wants to get away before becoming too attached. But I'm no psychiatrist. I'd probably need one myself. Something really strange happened to me the other day. I was walking back from mall and it was raining. Those raindrops weren't the big and slow ones that usually fall in autumn. They were the small and fast ones, like those in summer storms. So, I was walking back without an umbrella. I guess I forgot it (black clouds in the sky obviously didn't tell me much) and decided to walk slowly since I'm going to get all wet anyways. I watched the pavement slipping under my feet, when I saw an envelope. Wet, but not yet ruined. I can't explain why, but I picked it up and put it in my pocket. I had a weird feeling at the moment I took it, as if I stole it and now it was mine. Nobody knows my sin. Weird.

I came home and sat on a couch depositing the envelope on a small wooden desk Catherine got at one of those antique shops. It must have been only a minute that took me to open it. It seemed like ages if that's an excuse. No address. No ''Dear whoever...'' at the beginning. Three pages. Lyrics to song ''Angels would fall'' by Mellisa Etheridge on first page with some lines underlined with red pen. Strange, one of my favourite songs. Such an irony in that verse ''...never know my sin...'' I read it carefully trying to predict the tone of the remaining lines. Impossible. Whoever wrote this letter wasn't the stereotypical person you can just label pathetic/popular/jock/nerd/punk/other.

''I hate you.'' First sentence after the song. Thanks a lot, I think to my self, laughing. This whole letter is full of contradictions. No one normal could have written this. Suicidal. Homicidal. Angsty. Definitely. I think I would like to meet this person. Funny, I keep thinking if I'll ever accidentally pass him/her by in the street or buy newspaper in his/her stand. Probably never. Maybe better.

I played some basketball with Heero yesterday. It seems like that guy just can't do anything without competing. Neither can I. Professional defection. In the end, we were exhausted and sweaty like two oversized women after shopping.

''Did you ever want to disappear?'' he asked me. ''I don't know.'' I said. I lied. I did. Almost every day. Not to die. Only not to be. But how would you know you want to disappear if you have never existed? Paradox.

Catherine made me take her to the cinema to see some movie. I think she only wanted to make me get out of the house worried I'll crack. She feels guilty she can't spent more time with me since she got herself a boyfriend. Nice guy, no argue. Although, he's somewhat scared. Maybe he thinks I'll beat him up if he hurts her. I will.

We've watched some new blockbuster. ''Romantic comedy''. Romance in it was cheap, comedy was pathetic. Yet, I had a nice time. When I'm with Cathy, I can just sit next to her not saying anything and still communicate. That's why a cinema is a logical choice. You can't speak even if you want to, cause some teenager will throw her popcorn at you screaming ''Shut up, you punk!''

Movie ended, John and Jane (or was it Sam and Sally?) got married with that faked ending kiss and we headed home. She asked me if I liked the movie. I said I did. I lied again. She said I must be joking because the movie sucked. I agreed. That's what she's like, simple.

I went into my room and saw that letter again. Had to read it again. It became my obsession. Now, I already knew some parts by heart. Sick. There was this one sentence that made me think. '' Why can't I ever say what I mean?'' Shit.

Memories flooded me. That night when I got drunk. I got into a cab but I didn't went straight home. I went to that old bridge that started collapsing long time ago. I sat on the remaining of the iron construction and stared into the water for some time.

Didn't want to jump or anything like that. Just stared. Hell knows where my thoughts were at the time.

I went home after that and stood in the darkness for a while. Then I took some paper. Three pieces of paper exactly. And wrote a letter to nobody while that song played. That's why I wrote those lines in the first place. Wanted to burn it, but then I went to the attic and threw it from the highest window.

Why couldn't I remember I wrote it? Not one word. Like I had a complete memory loss. Like I wasn't Trowa when I wrote it. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I was me. I never felt like this before. Is this a split personality or plain state of being drunk?

Decided that the best way to forget the whole episode would be to let Sex Pistols play their ''God Save The Queen'' while I try to kill as many dragons as I can in this new game Duo gave me.

They'll never know my sin, anyways.

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Chapter three...Bored yet? Hehe just joking:) Never would have guessed Trowa will inspire me for this long. Heck, he'll become my muse in a while! Anyways, that ''Duo's story'' Trowa mentions is related to my other fic (''I just want to say something'') but isn't too relevant for Trowa's story since it shows the same events but from Duo's POV. Thanks to everyone who have read this and especially to folks who reviewed. People, your reviews are my food:O 


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